Liwonde National Park, The Joker and a Lot of Hippos

It would seem, from our short experience of going on safaris and other guided tours, that there are a number of characters you can often come across. There is the joker, who is perennially attempting to transform everything that the guide is saying into a joke to make the rest of the group laugh; then there is the know it all, who answers questions aimed at the guide himself enabling him to show off his vast knowledge of the subject at hand; and then there is the guy with the really good camera who you are secretly envious of as his pictures must be looking a lot better than the ones you’re taking. Whilst Claire and I were at Liwonde National Park in southern Malawi, we came across one man who transcended all three categories. On our second day at the park Claire and I went on a boat safari, out on the Shire River, pronounced ‘Shi-reh’. We headed out onto the water with a handful of other people staying at the camp, the man driving the boat, and our friendly guide called Henry. And one of the guests, whose name we cannot remember but who we referred to as The Joker, managed to tick all of the boxes above.

Despite being friendly enough, The Joker’s gags almost always fell flat. I felt lucky that he was sat behind me as it would have been twice as cringey to watch his face as he waited for the punchlines to land. I imagined him after each joke sat their, eyebrows raised, mouth half open in a wide smile, glancing around for approval. But, no matter how awful the gags were, you had to hand it to him, he was persistent! Now, I appreciate that a wonderful safari and three days spent at the beautiful Liwonde National Park leaves me with a lot more to elaborate on than The Joker’s attempts at whit, but he was so entertaining, through a sheer lack of entertainment value, that he became entertaining enough for me to lead with him. I’ll tell you about the amazing animals we saw after.

Anyway, here are a selection of his best/worst attempts at humour (bear in mind he was in his mid fifties):

• As Manuela, a friendly Greek girl we met, tried to climb onto the van which was to take us to the boat he said with a chuckle: “You should know how to get your leg over.” No one laughed.
• When Rhone, a Dutch guy we met, told us that he was listening to music on the viewing platform when elephants walked into view, The Joker asked him if he was listening to “circus music”. No one laughed.
• When Henry, our guide, was telling us about some of the animals we were expecting to see on the tour, The Joker asked him if there were any dinosaurs in the park. No one laughed. Apart from me, though my laugh was more a nervous chuckle than anything else.
• When a helicopter flew past in the distance The Joker pointed at it saying loudly “Look, a red mosquito”. No one laughed.
• At dinner that night, he exclaimed that he wouldn’t be eating the garlic sauce, because it might make him smell, before saying to Manuela that it’s a good job he’s not sleeping on the bed next to her because: “It could be quite a windy night” wink wink. Manuela completely misconstrued what he was trying to say, not understanding that he was essentially saying he was going to fart all night, leading to The Joker having to explain his joke. No one laughed.

Anyway that is enough of that, there were countless other attempts that could have made it in. Back to the boat cruise. As the afternoon turned into the early evening the eight of us were taken down the river past countless hippos. These magnificent animals are a joy to behold. They’d duck beneath the water for minutes before poking their head out above the surface, wiggling their ears, and blowing water out of their noses. In fact, at one point our boat almost ran over a submerged hippo, who popped his head up just as we came near forcing our driver to veer the boat to the right. Henry, our guide, was incredibly informative and answered everyone’s questions with ease. That’s when he was able to answer them without The Joker getting his answers in first. Henry told us that hippo skin is two inches thick and that their milk is actually pink. And, he also told us that the collective noun for hippos is a raft, which was something we didn’t know. I love a collective noun, so was pleased to have another one to add to the list. And whilst we didn’t see any leopards or zebras that day, Henry told us that their collective nouns were leap and dazzle respectively. I asked Henry what the collective noun for crows was, so I could return the favour by informing him it was in fact a murder of crows, but before I got the chance to do so The Joker butted in and did it for me.

Walking Safari

The scenery surrounding us was gorgeous and the sun was slowly setting as we plodded along in the boat. We were lucky enough to see some giant crocodiles on the edge of the river and one huge one swimming along side our boat. Henry informed us that during the fifteen years he had worked in the park, over 100 local fishermen had been eaten by crocodiles. We were hoping to see a croc take on a hippo but unfortunately both species kept themselves to themselves. As well as crocs and hippos, and the elephants we saw in the distance making their way across the planes, we were also presented with a plethora of magnificent birds. We saw eagles, falcons, ducks, pelicans, storks, egrets, herons, kingfishers and cormorants. We even saw a snake eagle, a bird I had never heard of until that trip, flying off with a snake in its beak.

It really was a peaceful and incredibly enjoyable boat ride. Henry was fantastic, the animals were out in force and the weather couldn’t have been any better. On the way back everyone started chatting and we ended up finding out that there were a young couple with us who got married and spent six years living in Exmouth, my home town. They were now living in Blantyre in Malawi and working at a mission having left Devon three months earlier. It really is a small world.

Claire watching the sun set

That morning Claire and I had woken up at five thirty in the morning to go on a walking safari. We had a coffee before setting off into the bush with our guide Paul. It wasn’t long before we saw a giant water buck and moments later we heard elephants crashing through the trees. We walked another thirty yards towards the noise and got to watch as these giant beasts ate their breakfast. Being close to elephants in the wild is pretty special, especially when you’re on foot. After we’d moved on we came across two warthogs sleeping side by side. I had just enough time to get a snap of the pair before the male woke up and ran away. In doing so, he woke up the female who followed him. These creatures are rather big and have some pretty impressive tusks. You get the impression that they could do a lot of damage if they wanted to.

Apart from the walking safari and the boat trip, Claire and I also spent time hanging around the camp, reading, playing bao, playing chess and talking to the others. Liwonde Safari Camp had the best dormitory we’d stayed in on the trip. A large thatched roofed building that sat right beneath a gigantic baobab tree, the dorm was nicely laid out with a series of single beds. The distinct lack of bunk beds was a real treat! The camp also had a self service bar, where you just wrote down what you drank, and it served great food. We felt very lucky to be staying there, in amongst the animals – you could hear the hippos around the camp at night – and cherished our time at Liwonde. There were two raised viewing platforms with deckchairs, that were the perfect place to sit with a beer and watch as the sun slowly went down.